Phantom Farter continued....

[lesbarbeux]

Now that I’m out as the Phantom farter,

Just bear with me for a starter,

After my nuptials whilst laid in bed,

I thought I’d start a farting mega thread!

 

Now I’ll share with one and all,

A dream this week …I had a ball,

We weren’t playing well, but that’s nowt new,

But then I knew just what I’d do.

 

I was on the Kop and I’d play my part,

With butt turned skywards…a gigantic fart,

It rattled round, made Tango blush,

Then off to the bar he did rush,

 

Then onto the pitch past Matty Fryatt,

And back up the kop and made the band go quiet.

It rumbled round the North like a spring high tide,

Then to the South on the other side.

 

Milan held his nose and began to stutter,

Dave Jones could only cough and splutter,

All around the South it went and,

Up into the packed Grandstand.

 

On it went and gathered noise,

Over to the Lep and the Tractor boys,

They left in droves and their keeper snored

And lo and behold we went and scored.

 

Far fetched I’m sure, you may think,

But I can cause havoc with my back end stink,

It could be a while but it won’t be in vain,

I’m gonna poison Bumhole Stain!

 

I can see it now, when I uncork,

I’ll silence for good the red and white pork,

I may have to wait for the right wind and weather,

But I’ll just love it…a plan coming together!

[BlueOwl1991]

[Lees Tom Cat]

I had a skin full and hot curry the night before we played bury.

Thought that i could let one slip whilst watching wednesday in a blip

 

I sat upright and shouted booo at the time as the fart, but i followed through.

I jumped up to walk out with it running down my legs as i passed a bloke shouting about round holes and square pegs.

 

A kid sniffed up and cried what the hell is that..Then someone pointed its that dirty twohat.

Being a phantom farter is something i did not master, as everyone saw my steaming brown disaster.,

[lesbarbeux]

THE PROJECTILE FART

 

 Now you know of my god given gift,

I’ll tell of work on my last shift,

Breaking wind’s no science; it’s really an art,

I’m gonna call it “The Projectile Fart”

 

I haven’t had time to practice and perfect,

But I will be able to project,

I’ve managed 50 metres without a twitch,

But I’m aiming for t’length of a football pitch.

 

Projectile farting will be the ultimate,

Cos a normal one hits all the unfortunate,

But to choose a target and hit it well,

Could disable, with my awful smell,

 

A handy one to have in confined spaces,

Then I really will hold all the aces,

In a pub, a bar or at a game,

Don’t take my name in vain.

 

From over a hill or round a bend,

A devastating stink I will send.

It’ll have its uses I am sure,

Maybe hit the Lane from the Moor.

 

I could reduce a player to a blithering fool,

Once I’ve refined this deadly tool,

Of one thing you can be sure,

No more late goals to endure,

 

Messi, Ronaldo bring ‘em all on,

We’ve nowt to fear on this one,

Ings or Austin or even Rhodes too,

I’ll stop ‘em all and make their fans boo.

[doubled123456]

Now that I’m out as the Phantom farter,

Just bear with me for a starter,

After my nuptials whilst laid in bed,

I thought I’d start a farting mega thread!

 

Now I’ll share with one and all,

A dream this week …I had a ball,

We weren’t playing well, but that’s nowt new,

But then I knew just what I’d do.

 

I was on the Kop and I’d play my part,

With butt turned skywards…a gigantic fart,

It rattled round, made Tango blush,

Then off to the bar he did rush,

 

Then onto the pitch past Matty Fryatt,

And back up the kop and made the band go quiet.

It rumbled round the North like a spring high tide,

Then to the South on the other side.

 

Milan held his nose and began to stutter,

Dave Jones could only cough and splutter,

All around the South it went and,

Up into the packed Grandstand.

 

On it went and gathered noise,

Over to the Lep and the Tractor boys,

They left in droves and their keeper snored

And lo and behold we went and scored.

 

Far fetched I’m sure, you may think,

But I can cause havoc with my back end stink,

It could be a while but it won’t be in vain,

I’m gonna poison Bumhole Stain!

 

I can see it now, when I uncork,

I’ll silence for good the red and white pork,

I may have to wait for the right wind and weather,

But I’ll just love it…a plan coming together!

Beans, beans, are good for your heart!

The more you eat, the more you fart!

The more you fart, the better you feel,

So let's have beans for every meal!

or

Beans, beans, the musical fruit,

The more you eat, the more you toot,

The more you toot, the better you feel,

So lift up your leg and let one squeal!