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Alan Partridge: You farmers, you don't like outsiders, do you? You like to stick to your own.

Peter Baxendale Thomas: What do you mean by that?

Alan Partridge: I've seen the big-eared boys on farms.

Peter Baxendale Thomas: Oh, for goodness' sake.

Alan Partridge: If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and there's a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the field, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who's also your brother.

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Alan Partridge: You are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth, and the plums have mutated and they have got beaks. You make pigs smoke. You feed beef burgers to swans. You have big sheds, but nobody's allowed in. And in these sheds you have 20ft high chickens, and these chickens are scared because the don't know why they're so big, and they're going, "Oh why am I so massive?" and they're looking down at all the little chickens and they think they're in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small. Do you deny that? No, I think his silence speaks volumes.

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Alan Partridge: Thank you for being this morning's farmer, Robert Moon. Have you had your breakfast this morning, Robert?

Robert Moon: Well, the way things is going, I dunno...

Alan Partridge: Can you just answer "yes", for the purposes of a joke?

Robert Moon: ...Yes.

Alan Partridge: Well, then, you must be a full moon!


Alan Partridge: Hello?

Robert Moon: I'm still here.

Alan Partridge: I was... I was just making a pun on your name.

Robert Moon: Oh. Oh, right.

Alan Partridge: Thank you for being this morning's farmer.

[hangs up]

Alan Partridge: Old Robert a bit slow on the uptake there, dunno what he had for breakfast this morning... Presumably an infected spinal column in a bap.

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