Get your rods out !

[Guest Iron Hunter]

Whilst out fishing on the Trent on May 18th,1979, ex Notts Forest footballer Gary Birtles and American Football star Joe Montana were accused of not having a fishing licence.Joe Montana, being American, did'nt have a clue what was going on.The man in charge of the licencing was non other than ex jockey Greville Starkey.As the men started to plead there innocence, a very strange thing happened.Out of the nearby trees, ex wrestler Jim Breaks appeared barking out some nonsense about Aardvarks and Bullfinches.Gary and Joe slowly looked at each other and both said "Gustav Smith" at the same time.As there were no mobile phones in Nottingham, Gary rushed to the nearest phone box and dialled Gustavs number.On the third ring, Gustav answered..."Yes?" answered Gustav.Gary explained about Jim's Aardvark and Bullfinch ramblings in great detail.Gustav suggested that Lee Majors was staying in Nottingham and that we should contact him.We did this immediately and managed to get Lee to take Jim to Nottingham City General hospital.Jim made a complete recovery and has never mentioned Aardvarks or Bullfinches since.Joe Montana had a successful career at the Sanfrancisco 49ers before retiring and becoming the caretaker at the Bullfinch sanctuary in California.Regular visitors include Ian Baker Finch and Nicholas Lyndhurst.

[Guest ben29]

Seems harsh on Kelhar. Not played due to one serious injury.

Letting go top three scorers and top three assisters

From a season where we will probably finish with a record low amount of goals.

[alan48]

Iron , we may be called the Owls , but this doesn't necessarily mean there is any ornithological interest at the stadium apart from the pigeons who admiittedly spend more time on the pitch than the players and are probably responsible for the current state of the the pitch , having deposited tons of guano on it which is obviously not conducive to the growth of grass .

Back to the footy , you're right Ben .

[Guest Iron Hunter]

Nice one Alan,Gustav has left the building.....

[alan48]

Good to have a bit of a laugh on here for a change .

[Guest Iron Hunter]

Yeh Alan.I apologise if my sense of humour isn't to everyone's taste,they don't have to read it.Where from all walks of life and at the end of the day....WAWAW!.Happy reading everyone..

[shandypants]

It was the summer of 1987 when Gustav Smith, Lee Chapman, Lee Lieutenants and I spent a weekend with the bright young things from the late 70s British "new-wave" cinema - Daman Alban and Gillian Taylforth (The Whom's film "Quadriplegic"), LaToyah Wilcox ("Quadriplegic" and "Jubillee"), Alan Ant (Jubilee, Carry on D1cck and Pirates of the Caribean) and Roy "I'm the Daddy now" Winstone ("Scum", "Quadriplegic" and "bet365").

Lee Chapman had just married Gillain Taylforth but we were on a weekend away in Halesowen in an attempt to cheer up Alan Ant who had just been kicked out of his band "Alan And the Ants". Lee and Gilian we're supposed to be on their honeymoon but had cancelled due to Alan Ant's crisis. Things were a little "frosty" due to the fact that LaToyah Wilcox had turned down Gillian and Lee's request to be their Bridesmaid after she got called to the audition for the voice of the Telly Tubbies; this was not helped by the fact that LaToyah had arranged for Lesley Ash to step in as bridesmaid and this caused all sorts of panic for Gillian Taylforth who had played Leslie Ash in the The Whom's film "Quadriplegic". Lee Chapman had seen the actual Lesley Ash in the pilot episode of Men Behaving Badly and had instantly fallen in love with her, stating his love in a letter that he sent shortly after the pilot was aired. Lesley Ash had passed the letter straight onto Gillian Taylforth (who was still playing Lesley Ash at the time), Taylforth read the letter and the rest is history. After near thirty years of marriage, Gillian Taylforth still hasn't managed to pluck up the courage to tell Lee Chapman that she isn't Lesley Ash - this lie has also resulted in Taylforth starring in all of the episodes of Men Behaving Badly (apart from the original pilot) as Lesly Ash to keep the deception of Chapman running. Taylforth's panic was eased when Lesley Ash became the first bridesmaid to wear a veil during a wedding ceremony.

Anyway, I believe that this point in history was when Gustav Smith gained his love for the Siskin. He was introduced to the bird when discussing Bullfinches with Roy "I'm the Daddy now" Winstone who had an aviary containing about twenty. Little did Gustav know that Winstone was importing the birds to India for 30 Euros per 24. Anyway, that's another story that someone may or may not have told in another thread in The Dressing Room.

Edited March 23, 2015 by shandypants

[Guest Iron Hunter]

The Lee Chapman/Gillian Taylforth/Lesley Ash fiasco is the worse kept secret in showbizz.Rumour has it that Mr Chapman has always known that Gillian Taylforth isn't Lesley Ash but decided to go along with it as he dint want to cause a fuss.The ironic thing about this whole bizarre story is that Gillian actually believed she was being set up with ex Austrian skier,Franz Klammer.Lesley Ash having recently realised the mistake all those years ago is now suing Harry Enfield for Defamation of character.As Harry Enfield starred in the original series of Men Behaving Badly (ITV),it is seen that he may have orchestrated the whole crazy chain of events.Meanwhile,Lesley,visiting Gustavs and ironically Mr Chapmans Bullfinch sanctuary in California,declined to comment.The Siskins are closely related to the Indian Treecreeper thus making import rules between India and The Uk feasible.

[shandypants]

Your right about the Lee Chapman/Gillian Taylforth/Lesley Ash fiasco - everybody knows but they all pretend that they don't.  This rumour is the main reason that Chapman, Gutav Smith and I ended up fighting for the Russians in the Crimean War.  All of the Allies knew about the deception and cavalry banter being what it is, there were a few moments of loose tongued awkwardness.  We switched sides to save the embarrassment of Chapman having to pretend to his allied comrades that he'd just found out about something that everybody knew that he had full knowledge of.  It was very messy, however, it wasn't as messy as the time when David Hemery extended his athletics career by growing his hair longer, wearing a sports bra and changing his name to Mary Peters or the time when, after the Mary Peters fiasco, Hemery then started to shuffle around on his knees and started an entirely new career as 70s funny man D1cck "oh - you are awful but I like you" Emery. 

Edited March 23, 2015 by shandypants

[Guest Iron Hunter]

Yes,this is a very similar story doing the rounds in the late 1970s.Mike Yarwood,famous impressionist and comedian(?) took out an injunction on Michael Crawford,who to all intents and purposes was doing impressions of the afore mentioned Yarwood.Crawford,alias Frank Spencer in the famous Sitcom "Rising Damp" was mystified by Yarwood's reaction.To make matters worse,the late great Richard Beckinsale,was stalling over a new contract to present Grandstand,alongside Frank Bough.Now,this is where it gets interesting...Yarwood hired a hitman to take out Crawford but was intercepted by the Finnish police.Yarwood,unbeknown to many people was held in a local boastal for two months while Ray Winstone constantly hammered him with the words "What fackin tool?".Not to be outdone,Olympic javelin champion Tina Lilac was in special forces with Lee Chapman and Gustav Smith and saw a great opportunity to kill the yet to be mentioned Leonard Rossitter.Rossiter,smelling a rat,went fishing with Don Warrington,where they almost died due to an Aardvark what had lost its bearings.T B C...

[Guest Iron Hunter]

Yes,this is a very similar story doing the rounds in the late 1970s.Mike Yarwood,famous impressionist and comedian(?) took out an injunction on Michael Crawford,who to all intents and purposes was doing impressions of the afore mentioned Yarwood.Crawford,alias Frank Spencer in the famous Sitcom "Rising Damp" was mystified by Yarwood's reaction.To make matters worse,the late great Richard Beckinsale,was stalling over a new contract to present Grandstand,alongside Frank Bough.Now,this is where it gets interesting...Yarwood hired a hitman to take out Crawford but was intercepted by the Finnish police.Yarwood,unbeknown to many people was held in a local boastal for two months while Ray Winstone constantly hammered him with the words "What fackin tool?".Not to be outdone,Olympic javelin champion Tina Lilac was in special forces with Lee Chapman and Gustav Smith and saw a great opportunity to kill the yet to be mentioned Leonard Rossitter.Rossiter,smelling a rat,went fishing with Don Warrington,where they almost died due to an Aardvark what had lost its bearings.T B C...

[Guest Iron Hunter]

Having done EVEN more research into the Trent fishing incident on May 18th,1979, have discovered lost documents believed to have been destroyed in The Great St Petersburg fire of 1988 relating to the incident in question.The documents have actually turned up in Batley, North Yorkshire.Extracts from the documents reveal that ex wrestler Jim Breaks was turned by the Russians in September 1974 whilst touring with Rollerball Rocco, Catweasle and Mick Macmanus in a tag team round robin tournament against Russia's most feared tag team units.Mr Breaks and partner Mr Weasle, beat Russia's Brezhnev twins on a technicality when Mr Breaks forearm actually made contact on Billy Brezhnev's head.As the bout was not sanctioned and the referee was suspicious that the bout was real, the match was awarded to Mr Breaks and Mr Weasle.Pandemonium in the crowd ensued and the referee and Brezhnev twins were pelted with Onions and Kitkats.The now defunked KGB ushered the wrestlers out of the ring in double quick time.An extract I saw stated that Mr Weasle, Mr Macmanus, and Rollerball Rocco were extradited back to the UK while the Brezhnev twins and the un-mentioned Russian tag team (The Kiev Chickens) were never seen again.Mr Breaks was held in a cell for three days before having any human contact.The KGB were impressed with Jim (Mr Breaks) and wanted to turn him.Mr Breaks dint need much persuading. Earning only £2 a bout and having no wife or kids, Mr Breaks jumped at the chance of being a traitorous scumbag.The KGB were well aware of Gustav Smith's Bullfinch sanctuary in Sacremento, California and wanted it for themselves.They paid Jim 20,000 Euros to infiltrate the sanctuary, Kill Gustav Smith and Lee Leiutenants.The KGB would then kill all the Bullfinches and send over 30,000 Nuthatches to murder the 65 Siskin guards.To cut a long story short, Mr Breaks paid the admission but couldnt go through with it.He kept the 20,000 Euros and with the help of Lee Chapman, they faked his death (Jims) and made sure the KGB knew it.Chapman and Joe Montana airlifted him over the Trent woods and dropped him from a great height thus causings Mr Breaks confusion and mutterings.The moral is that Jim Breaks truly is "Special" Older readers will see a joke in the last bit.

[Ronio]

What's going on in here. 

[Guest Iron Hunter]

What's going on in here. 

Its a long story Ronio!

[shandypants]

What's going on in here.

Iron Hunter and I are sharing our tales of mutual friend, hero and all round good guy Gustav Smith. I know Gustav had other OwlsTalk friends but they're too shy to share their stories.

Edited March 27, 2015 by shandypants

[Inspector Lestrade]

Just stop this start a new thread, this is just silly!!

[shandypants]

Just stop this start a new thread, this is just silly!!

Parrots!

[themaskedowl]

Partially true stories are what Owls Talk has been built upon.

Keep up the good work.

Please tell me we are a long way from even partially true. Otherwise I'm going to have to seriously rethink my life (and I really don't have the time).

[Guest Iron Hunter]

Iron Hunter and I are sharing our tales of mutual friend, hero and all round good guy Gustav Smith. I know Gustav had other OwlsTalk friends but they're too shy to share their stories.

The KGB(Kinky Girly Boys) are now defunct and any stories shown by fellow Owlstalkers are completely and utterly safe.

[Guest Iron Hunter]

Owlstalk readers will be delighted to hear that ive stumbled upon yet another"true"story.Archives show that a descendant of Nature pioneer and all round good guy Gustav Smith may have invented the Great Crested Aardvark.Crustav Smithonian, a great great distant cousin of Gustav and naturalised Pig farmer became disillusioned with the whole Pig Farming and decided instead to start inventing things.His wife, Anastav pleaded with him to persevere with the Pig genre,but Crustav's mind was made up.His six year old son, Justav Lee, was so distressed by the whole saga, that he tragically took his own life some 40minutes later.It is unknown how it was done but further extensive research shows that he may have thrown himself under a stampede of charging Llama's.His wife, Anastav, distraught over her son's death and the end of the Pig Farming, promptly packed her bags and emigrated to Burkina Faso.Crustav, although himself devastated over the appalling events, pressed on with his idea of inventing something.Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into years, years turned into deca...., you get the picture.Torturous days were made worse with ex wife Anastav sending letters saying she was now married to a Burkina Fasonian gentleman and had numerous children with him.To make matters worse, the Burkina Faso gentleman was also very rich and was unnaturally large in the trouser department.Crustav wasnt sure whether the Burkina Fasonian gentleman was well hung or that he just had big trousers.Crustav ignored the cruel letters and ever more determined, kept on at it, day and night for many more months.Then one sunny day in 1846, it came to him whilst making biscuits in the makeshift kitchen.The Pigs, who despite always ending up being butchered by Crustav, were now down to the very last one (Pig).Crustav couldnt bring himself to kill the last Pig so he gave it it's freedom.The Pig, however, wanted to help Crustav, despite murdering his entire family."Get off my land!" Screamed Crustav.The Pig (who shall remain nameless) remained grounded.Crustav who was now mentally ill told the nameless Pig that he could suit himself.Anyway, this is where it"finally"gets interesting.Crustav (now mentally ill) is hearing the nameless Pig talking to him.A smart and very cunning plan is brilliantly construed. They sent a letter to Burkina Faso requesting the presence of his ex wife, Anastav and her Burkina Fasonian husband, who we shall call Martin, and to bring the 45 Great Crested Aardvarks (which I forgot to mention) with them.Anastav and Martin, intrigued by the mystifying request agreed and arrived 48hours later.As they approached the tiny hut that Crustav and the nameless Pig were living in, the adventurous plan was about to be conceived.As the door opened, the Burkino Fasonian (Martin) was decapitated in one swipe.Anastav screamed and tried to run but the nameless Pig had already locked the door.Gustav calmly walked over to Anastav and whispered in her ear "Where are the 45 Aardvarks?".Anastav was too frightened to speak."Tell me where the Aardvarks are and you get to live" hissed Crustav.Anastav managed to tell him and the nameless Pig that they were in the Transit down the old path.Anyway, Crustav and the nameless Pig found the Aardvarks and profited in a hugely successful career in Aardvark breeding.It is unknown what happened to Anastav but DNA found twenty two years later suggests she died horribly.Gustav Smith, leading pioneer and all round good guy, is aware of his descendants deception and very rarely talks about it.Shandy, I hope this clears things up.Until next time....