US_Owl Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Well, it's been a while, but to celebrate our promotion and general excellence, I thought a trip down memory lane to remember one of our past masters was appropriate. Today sees the spotlight fall upon a goalkeeper, a custodian of the onion bag the quality of which has never been seen at Hillsborough, either before or after his illustrious career at the club. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr Ola Tidman. Ola Tidman, born November 6th in Fareham, is a true Sheffield Wednesday legend. Tidman began his career at the club after signing professional terms in 1985, making his debut against Southampton on 5th September 1987. All in all, Tidman spent 19 years at the club, making over 200 Premier League appearances. Tidman playing in a Premier League game against London-based club Southampton. Note the ungainly bulge in his shirt- all will be revealed....... Tidman's early career was unspectacular- a decent shot-stopper with an eye for the ladies and a hungry passion for rum-based cocktails. However, it soon became apparent that Tidman was struggling- missing crosses and allowing shots to go in that would have been meat and drink to a proper goalkeeper. Tidman lost his place before the 1993 Cup Finals to fellow 'keeper Chris Adamson, and a barrage of tests followed. Later that year, Tidman was diagnosed with Shitkeepers Disease, a rare and debilitating condition that mean that he couldn't see footballs. A spell on the sidelines followed. "He almost quit" said his agent, Archie Bedwetter. "I had to convince him to keep going, but it seemed hopeless. He had to listen for the ball being kicked, and then dive where he thought it had gone. Opposition fans started kicking smuggled balls around in the stands, and Ola would flip about like a hooker in the back of Peter Sutcliffe's van. It was embarassing." Nearly There: Tidman flails for a cross in the midst of his off-field problems- Manchester United striker Dwight Yorke awaits the rebound Fellow goalkeepers rallied around Tidman, desperate to see him returned to his former state. Long time sufferers of Shitkeepers Disease did everything they could- QPR's Sieb Dykstra and Manchester United's Raymond Van Der Gouw- both crippled by the condition- raised £10,000 to help by doing a sponsored seal cull. "I might not be able to see a football" Van Der Gouw screamed, "But i can bash the living f*ck out of these fat little bast*rds, no problem" But Tidman was desperate. The money raised did no good, spend on fake medicines and thieving gypsy bast*rds who pretended to know a cure. Common gypsy folklore suggested that eating pickled mammals could cure the condition. Tidman tried tham of all sizes, but finally gave up after eating 3 badgers at a local campsite. Waking the day after, he had sh*t the bed and was no better. He cursed the gypsies and spent the last of his money on hiring Neil Ruddock and John Scales to visit the Gypsies. A week later, the gypsies had gone, and Ruddock had opened a new second hand caravan showroom. Scales kept the dogs and children. Dejected, Tidman retired from the game in 1998, and moved into the Shitkeepers Disease Asylum in Bicester, where he shared a room with Pavel Srnicek. Ola and Pavel became great friends, and would while the hours away listening to The Vengaboys, swapping stories of Bacchanalian orgies and eating pickled shrews in desperation. But then, one day, a visitor to the Asylum gave Ola the cure he was looking for. It was his old friend and team-mate Chris Adamson, carrying a shoebox and wearing a cheeky grin on his ruggedly handsome face. Adamson explained that he was a long term sufferer of Shitkeepers Disease, and has forged himself a successful international career by using a "spotter"- basically a small man hidden in his matchday kit, telling him where to dive. Adamson opened the box, and inside, a little dirty from his forced imprisonment, was Graham Hyde. Knowing his task, Hyde climbed snugly into Tidman's clothing, and the man was reborn. Ola checked out of the asylum that day, re-signed for the Owls, and the second half of his career began. Srnicek was found later that day, four pickled Water Voles lodged in his gullet. Adamson had said that there must be no witnesses. Adamson himself was found 2 days later in an abandoned mine, mice stuffed in his facial orifices and his underpants on backwards. Back In The Limelight: Tidman returns from his "injury"- Graham Hyde neatly cuddled in his jersey, squeaking instructions and eating a pack of Toffo's. Tidman was a revelation- his form contributed to a Golden Era in Sheffield Wednesday history. He soon received International callups for both England and Switzerland- Sepp Blatter ruled that he was good enough to play for both. Indeed, in 2002 he played in goal for both countries as they played each other at Plough Lane, keeping clean sheets at both ends, and saving a penalty that he himself took. Hyde was certainly earning his biscuits and milkshakes. "Best keeper i've ever seen" said Steve Ogrizovic, speaking from his prison cell (please see the career of Kim Olsen for more details) "Dave Beasant and I used to go watch him play, it was great. After the game, we'd queue up for his autograph. He always emerged in lycra, sexy-hot if you ask me, walking a small dog of some kind, which always walked on 2 legs. Weird. I'd ask for his autograph, and he would spit in my face. Worth the entrance fee on it's own. Dave would lick it off my face and we'd go for a pint and a curry" The Misery- Tidman flails blindly for a ball after a bust up with Hyde- Arsenal's Thierry Henri the goalscorer. Danny Maddix looks on in fury. Tidman became an international superstar. A new phenomenon, "Tidmania" swept the globe, and Ola was the man every manager wanted. "We tried to sign him" said Milan boss Arrigo Sacchi. "But he was well out of our price range. I spoke to him in Brussels one time, he arrived in his own jet, and brought a little man in a dog carrier. The small fella did the negotiating, it was weird. They wanted things we couldn't get, biscuits made by children, water that had never seen daylight before, and Ashley Westwood's ownership of the Vatican. These were things we just couldnt do. They were cross, naturally. Before he left, Tidman f*cked my wife and daughter, and the little man did a sh*t in my Yorkshire Puddings. This had been pre-arranged" But everything was not rosy in the Tidman household. Fiercely protective of Hyde, Tidman forced him to sleep in a kennel in the cellar, only bringing him out on matchdays. Hyde began feeding him false information, and before long Tidman was letting in shots that Steven Hawking would have got his hands to. Tidman released Hyde into the wild, convinced he could manage alone, but soon he was back to his miserable worst. Desperate, he tried replacement spotters: Dennis Wise, Wim Jonk, Barry Horne- but none of them were as good as Hyde. Tidman sent his nights in the back garden, singing Hyde's favourite B*Witched songs and throwing fragments of custard cremes into the bushes. Hyde never returned. Useless: Guided by a rubbish Mark Stein, Tidman fails miserably. Tidman was released by Wednesday after a scrape with the law. Broken by his loss of fame and fortune, he was found in a Chinese takeaway in Todmorden, dressed in a suit made entirely of beetles wings, sobbing and cradling a tiny blonde male doll. When the Police arrived, he flicked sh*t at them and fled, only caught when a stray football from a nearby park poleaxed him in the knackers, unseen by the weeping Tidman. Ola Tidman now resides in the Shitkeepers Asylum, rooming with Tony Coton and Craig Forrest. Occasionally, a tiny blonde man can be spotted outside his window late at night, spitefully hurling footballs though the window and eating Digestives. The Police are yet to catch him. Brave Ex- Sheffield Wednesday warrior, we salute you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 03 owl Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Can honestly not remmeber him, in the goals...rememebered his name obv,. and he definitely must have had poo poo keeper's disase :). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest foreverSWFC Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Brilliant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eaton_Swfc Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Not got time to read now, but cant wait to read this later , i love your work ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matt68owls Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 :biggrin: :biggrin: shitkeepers disease. i was weeing myself reading the whole thing, brilliant us_owl :ghoulguy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
standerino Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Excellent work! I will one day show this to my kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonofbert2 Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 "Graham Hyde neatly cuddled in his jersey, squeaking instructions and eating a pack of Toffo's." :laugh: Brilliant again US_Owl......... You are proper rumbleing crackers !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themaskedowl Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) Bit harsh on Pav? *edit* but wee wee funneh. Edited May 14, 2012 by themaskedowl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ozzy Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 This is pure genius. Well done sir Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ozzy Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 And yes..you are a complete nutter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BRADDAZ Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Very funny as per. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noddyowl Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 You sir are as mad as a bag of pickled badgers!! Fantastic stuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rawowl Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Can you do a Maurice Ross one next ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nobsworth Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 +1 from me. Funny as flip. I shuddered when you mentioned Adamson. They made a right pair those two... thank flip we had Lucas & Carson at the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geohay Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Haha, can someone link in to the Westwood one? Missed that! This is making my productivily at work reduce vastly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReginaldD Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Loving this stuff, it's like the sort of content of Spitting Feathers, OTB an dloved reading them. Please more more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tommo_ Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Here's Ola in his acting debut as Sargent Pepper in the 2006 Smash hit Starship Troopers 4: The Curse of Clubber Lang Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnowyOwl13 Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Brilliant work. Also, I remember Ola Tidman picking up a pigeon at the friendly against Newcastle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
g-owls Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Probably the best one yet. Brilliant! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
US_Owl Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 Links for the others, in case any were missed! http://www.owlstalk.co.uk/forums/index.php?/topic/167929-kim-olsen-a-career-in-pictures/page__p__3573183#entry3573183 http://www.owlstalk.co.uk/forums/index.php?/topic/166687-jon-beswetherick-a-career-in-pictures/page__p__3530665#entry3530665 http://www.owlstalk.co.uk/forums/index.php?/topic/166595-ashley-westwood-a-career-in-pictures/page__p__3526506#entry3526506 http://www.owlstalk.co.uk/forums/index.php?/topic/164320-drissa-diallo/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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